


You're Nothing Without Me (Without Me You're Nothing At All)

by Artistic_FloofHead



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Persona 5: The Royal, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23631241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artistic_FloofHead/pseuds/Artistic_FloofHead
Summary: The Phantom Thieves decide to explore Mementos. Both Akechi and Joker get separated from the group, and shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 16
Kudos: 227





	You're Nothing Without Me (Without Me You're Nothing At All)

**Author's Note:**

> Robbie Daymond and Xander Mobus covered "You're Nothing Without Me" from the musical City Of Angels and HOLY CRAP WAS IT AMAZING. (if you haven't seen it please check it out as it's a must-see for shuake Shippers and casual fans alike.) I've listened to the song repeatedly on loop, and I'm honestly surprised no one has made a fic about this yet. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and put this one shot out there. It's not the best, but I tried!

"Pancakes... I don't want to hear that word for a long, long time." Crow grumbled.

"Hey! Leave the pancakes out of this." Panther said. 

"I mean, we're all fans, because that's what helped us figure out your bullshit." Skull stated. 

"Am I mistaken? I thought I heard something about delicious pancakes." Joker said with a grin.

Joker could hear Panther and Skull silently snickering. 

Akechi's reaction was priceless. "Joker, I'll _personally_ throw you off this vehicle and feed you to shadows if you don't shut up."

The deadline for Maruki's palace was still quite far ahead, so the Phantom Thieves decided to explore the depths of Mementos in the meantime.

"It's still quite strange to see Akechi-senpai like this." Violet whispered. "It's just really shocking to see such a difference in personality."

"You haven't seen half of it." Oracle said. 

"If she even _knew_ half of it, she'd flee from us in terror." Crow said. "I'm assuming you want to have as many party members as possible?" 

"Relax Violet." Joker gave her a reassuring pat. "This is the same guy who geeks out over Featherman every Sunday."

Before Akechi could strangle Joker for that, Queen stopped and announced. "Alright everyone, we're here!" 

Everyone got off Mona as the latter turned back into his cat form. 

After taking a few steps forward, a group of slimes spawned. 

"Hey, you guys can take care of this right?" Joker said.

"On it Joker! Violet! Noir! Back me up!" Panther said. "Persona!"

The enemies were defeated in an instant.

"Good job guys!" Oracle said. "Violet, you're getting really good at this!"

"Thanks! I've been learning from the best, after all." Violet smiled. 

"You really are a source of inspiration, aren't you Joker?" Noir then suddenly started looking around. "Hey, where did he go?"

That got the attention of the Phantom Thieves. Joker was nowhere to be found. 

"He's actually missing? For real?" Skull exclaimed. 

"He was right behind me a second ago!" Mona said. "Where did he disappear to?" 

"It is quite strange for our leader to just run off like that." Fox mused. 

"You guys, Crow's missing as well!" Queen said.

"Gimme a sec." Oracle said. "I think I found them, they're not too far ahead."

* * *

"Joker, did you just drag me out here for a stupid _Mara?"_

Joker simply smiled. "So what if I did? Is it something you can't handle _detective?_ " 

Crow wanted to tear his hair out. _That cocky_ _bastard._

"Well c'mon, help me get it!" Joker said. 

Crow let out an irritated scream. "Loki!"

Crow then proceeded to hurl profanities and attacks on the Mara, before it was utterly destroyed. 

"... You killed it." Joker said. 

"Well of course I did! It's already revolting to see you use it in battle." Crow snapped at him. "You don't need another one."

"You're just jealous that you can't recruit Shadows like I do." Joker smirked at him.

"Am not!" 

"Are too."

"AM NOT!" Crow shouted, before realizing how childish and immature they both sounded. _Joker was really getting to him, huh._

Joker laughed as he saw him turn a few shades of red in embarrassment. As threatening as Akechi sounded, it was relatively easy to rile him up.

"If you weren't essential to breaking free of this stupid reality, I would have left you a long, long time ago."

"Except I am, so you just have to deal with it like usual." Joker said. "Face it, you're nothing without me."

Crow laughed mockingly. "Really now? I believe it's the other way around. You and your friends would be _mindless slaves_ to Maruki if it weren't for me."

And to Crow's surprise and irritation, Joker, of all people, started _singing_.

 _You are some gumshoe, y_ _ou just don't think well_  
 _It's my Phantom Troupe, y_ _ou can go straight to hell_  
 _Is your mouth lonely wi_ _th one foot in there?_  
 _Crow, your brain only h_ _olds thoughts I put in there_  
 _Just what you are I'll spell out:_ _You are a phantom pain_  
 _One speck of lint that fell out_  
 _The last time that I picked my brain_

"Joker, this is ridiculous."

"Do I spy someone chickening out?" Joker—the ever-so-cocky leader of the Phantom Thieves—started making chicken sounds.

Crow glared at him. "You honestly can't be serious."

The chicken noises got louder.

" _I walked right into this one, didn't I?_ " Crow thought.

_You are so jealous of my track record_   
_Joker, do tell us your feeble hack record_   
_Your weak knees brand you soft and unstable_   
_One small threat and you fold like a card table_   
_You drool at my deductions_   
_You're just starting when I'm done_   
_You craft your own destruction_   
_Your sword is no match for my gun_

"Oh, it is _on_." Joker grinned at him.

_You're nothing without me_   
_A no-one who'd go undefined_   
_You wouldn't exist, y_ _ou'd never be missed_

Joker poked Crow in the chest _. I tell you you're out of your mind!  
  
A show off, a blowhard!  
You're equal parts hot air and gall!  
And no one would doubt me, without me you're nothing at all!_

"Well color me impressed, I didn't know you could sing." Joker said.

"Hmph. Some rival you are." Crow said. "Did you underestimate me?"

"Not exactly, but I didn't peg you as a theater nerd." Joker shrugged.

_You are so thick, you eat, breathe, sleep fiction_   
_I'm your meal ticket_   
_Knee-deep in cheap fiction_

A few enemies spawned, but the two kept their focus on their musical banter. Crow promptly took out his gun and started shooting them.

 _You're in my plot,_ _I'm still your creator_  
 _I call each shot,_ _I'm your private dictator_  
  
Joker feigned offense. 

_You gloating ignoramus, you haven't any shame_

Crow smirked in triumph.

 _Hey! I'm a "famous shamus", and most people don't know your name!_  
  
"Is it Ren? Or is it Akira? Or does the player just sort of, _make it all up?_ " Crow added.

 _You're nothing without me_  
 _Without me you'd just disappear  
_ _Right into thin air, a_ _nd no one would care_  
 _Or notice you ever were here_

As they continued, they both realized that all this hits pretty close to home.  
  
 _A puppet, an upstart, a_ _loser who's destined to fall!_  
 _I'm everything you always wanted to be!_  
 _Let's deal with the issue:_ _You wish you were me!_  
 _You're nothing without me!_  
 _Without me you're nothing at all!_

They didn't speak for a while afterwards. Joker was the first to break the silence. "We... Actually did that."

Crow frowned at him. "I can't believe you convinced me to."

"Well, you did tell me that I was 'awfully late' that one time I greeted you with 'Honey, I'm home!"

Crow turned away, but Joker swore he was blushing. "We don't speak of this to _anyone_ , okay?"

"Got it." Joker replied. "But I want to hear an encore later."

Crow smiled, and it wasn't one of the fake smiles he did for the press. It was genuine. "The others must be looking for us. We better head back."

* * *

"Those two are such dorks!" Panther said softly, as not to be heard. "They're _adorable!_ "

They were able to locate Joker and Crow, but instead of approaching them, they stood by and watched the entire scene play out. Oracle was laughing her ass off the entire time.

"This is perfect blackmail material! I'm never letting them live it down."

"Man, I didn't know Joker could sing like that." Skull said. "Let alone Crow."

Fox nodded. "I agree. However, this is great inspiration for my next work. A banter between two rivals is truly a sight to behold." 

"... Am I the only one who doesn't understand what's going on?" Violet asked.

"I'm also pretty confused, don't worry." Queen told her.

"Strange or not, it's really interesting to see this side of Crow." Noir said "Even back then, he wouldn't let loose like this. He was always either reserved and polite or aggressive and cold."

"Well, haven't you noticed how he is with Joker?" Mona said. "He isn't as aggressive as he is with us."

"Hmm... Sounds suspicious to me." Panther said, wiggling her eyebrows. 

Oracle started laughing again at that. "Now that you mention it, the _subtext_ is real."

"What do you mean by that?" Skull asked, a little too loudly. 

"...How long have you guys been standing there?" 

_Busted._

The group turned around to find a red-faced Joker and Crow.

"We just got here." Oracle lied. "Where did you two run off to? We were looking for you everywhere!" 

"Your dear leader here dragged me off to fight a _Mara_ , as stupid as it sounds." Crow rolled his eyes.

"... You mean that weird thing that looks like a dick?" Skull asked. 

"I wanted it as another persona!" Joker said. "Besides, Crow murdered the shit out of it before I could do anything."

"So you two ran off," Oracle said, trying and failing to hide her laughter. "Only to have Crow murder the dick demon?" 

"It's not funny." Crow pouted. 

"When you put it that way." Fox said. "The mental image of Crow ruthlessly killing a monster that looks like the male genitals is rather amusing."

Joker snorted at that. Everyone else except Crow giggled a bit. 

"Right. I think it's time we head back. It's getting late after all." Crow said, annoyed. It certainly didn't take him long to revert back to his old, harsh self.

The trip back to the real world was pretty silent. Everyone else went home save for Ann and Futaba. Akira wondered why both Ann and Futaba were smirking at him. 

"Why are you guys looking at me like that?" 

"Oh, it's nothing." Ann said while giggling. 

"You can come out of the closet you know." Futaba added. "Both you and Akechi."

"I-" Akira's face burned red. "Futaba! It's not like that!" 

**Author's Note:**

> I have this very weird headcanon that Akechi is very pissed off with the existence of Mara, so Joker takes every chance he can get with using it in front of him as his persona in order to piss him off. Naturally, it works every single time.  
> I just love these dorks so much! This is my very first Shuake fic so please give feedback!


End file.
